IN PROGRESS
Sigh. Why is it the moon brings so much pain and grief. Even in this brief dasha period (a term in Vedic astrology that refers to the period in time where a planet is the ruler of our lives), the power of the Moon to bring emotional pain is intense.
Note: For astrology students, I follow Vedic Astrology (Jyotish) and my teacher is the divine Barbara Pijan and the Parashara Hora Shastra. My experiences that brought me to write this journal entry fell on the following dasha period: Mercury-Jupiter-Mars-Saturn-Moon. I am Aries rising, and my Moon has the following points. You’ll see there are a significant number of 6/8 angles, which bring obstacles, enemies, transformation and shock:
– Moon in Aquarius in the 11th house conjunct Mercury
– Moon is 6th from Saturn
– Moon is in Saturn’s sign
– Saturn and Mars together in Mercury’s house in 6th
– Moon’s home, Cancer, is 6th from Moon
– Saturn and Mars together are 8th from Moon.
Moon. Feeling. Connection. Love, mothering. I have a co-dependent emotionally-incestuous mother who, I feel, doesn’t see me or allow me to have my own opinions (all these 6 angles suggest this too). I’m 37, this has been happening my entire life but I’ve done a lot of work with a remarkably gifted, truly wonderful therapist, on seeing this and separating myself from her and to reclaim my own identity. My work now is to enforce my boundaries and communicate with her in a way that is loving yet true to myself, and to probably show service to her and her generational trauma through forgiveness.
She has failed me, I am working on forgiving her but the enmeshing connection will never be there again, which is both a loss and gain. These are the consequences of her continued actions and choices and her own suffering, which I feel empathy for but cannot have any part of. The ache in your chest, your heart, the deep pain of longing for connection with another… this is Moon. (I have reason to believe that it is also Rahu, that Rahu is actually Love… I am working on an article about this and the questionable historical misrepresentation of Rahu/Ketu as a demon.)
In Buddhist meditation studies we recognize the breath, mind, feeling, thought, as all distinct layers that we sit with and move through in order to come to our natural openness and joy. With chronic depression and trauma recovery, this seems like a task that might take a lifetime.
Depression makes our experience of Time very heavy.
Each slow second is full of experience of thought and feeling, and the thought feels like a prison, because it is. Being with the present moment, with each breath, can feel excruciating, and yet that’s all there is and all we have.
Why would I want to feel like this for the rest of my life? Is the best of my life behind me? Will all my partners be abusive and controlling and violent, will I always experience emotional injury through interpersonal relationships? By astrology chart: yes, it’s likely. But the thing about fate and my chart is this: the Saturn/Mars in 8th from Moon actually provide powerful transformational agents for me. They are an incredibly powerful combination for me, particularly in Virgo, with Mercury in Saturn’s house with Moon.
[[ section on the spiritual work of unlocking ego patterns ]]
I am beginning to think I should live in a monastery, and contemplate and read and pray and remove myself from society. To find the connection with the divine is one of the only moments of solace I can think of, other than the overwhelming chest-breaking experience falling in true love. But in the end we can’t escape the feelings, they are inside us. It doesn’t matter where we go. And moreover, we owe it to ourselves to participate in our society, to be-with others, to serve, aid, release.
So as I write this it starts to become clear to me that these moments when depression feels its heaviest involve the following:
- Buddhist breathing and meditation practices to calm mind and body
- Mother issues and working on emotional healing
- Craving love and working on filling the void with self-love
- Question of being fated to suffer, and what to do about it
- Question of dharma, purpose
- Spirit, God, devotional practices to appease suffering
- Self-care practices, nutrition
Ending Note: As always, I end with a reminder that I am not a certified professional in anything but reading literature and teaching yoga, and nothing here should be taken as medical or professional advice. I simply share my experiences, this is my journal.
