Ode to transformation: the beauty of our experiences is in how we wield their power through our awareness of their purpose. I bow down to the power of this world, the divine, my being, time.
Context
I recently received emotional and psychological abuse and violence from a man I was spending time with intimately. The National Office for the Prevention of Domestic, Sexual, and Gender-based Violence defines this as “when a person harms their partner’s sense of self-worth, such as: humiliation; bullying; exploitation; intimidation; psychological degradation; verbal aggression; undermining of self-esteem; name calling; continual put downs; harassment; violating no-contact requests, etc.”
I won’t get into the details here of course, though I tend to think that part of my dharma is to use these experiences of intimate partner violence (which sadly I have experienced in a few of my committed life-partnerships) to help other women, which involves speaking up and sharing experiences to help others understand that they are not alone.
Now, with all of that behind me (in a linear timeline anyway), I can reflect on where I’ve been and where I am. Literally I am in the Caribbean, my home, where I was born. Metaphysically I am in the bliss of awareness of personal transformation, powered by the nature of my being and all that I’m working with.
Transformation in the 8th-from-Moon angle
As much as I would like to use this post to explain these transformations without using astrology, I think it would actually be much easier, as I can see it all so clearly there, 8th from Moon, a beautiful moment in Time that feels like heaven. If you know astrology you wouldn’t say that the 8th house would feel like heaven, particularly 8th from Moon.
So, quick lesson:
- the 8th house brings transformation, shock, hidden knowledge, esoterica, etc.
- the angle of 8th from moon brings this same quality but in a much more pronounced emotional way, in a way that we are sure to feel, because the moon signifies our feeling-body.
My 8th-from-Moon contains Mars and Saturn together (“conjunct”) in Virgo, which is ruled by Mercury. I couldn’t have been blessed with a better 8-from-Moon paring than fiery courageous life-giving Mars with discerning-disciplined-fearful Saturn. More on that shortly.
Dying of the Old-Self
This period of my life, January 2020 basically, is ruled by Mars, who is conjunct Saturn in my chart. In Vedic astrology, each of the planets take turns ruling our lives, so their placement in our charts will be “activated” more than usual during those times (it’s called a “dasha” period). So this is Mars’ time! The full dasha period I am writing about is Mercury-Jupiter-Mars.
My rising sign is Aries, ruled by Mars, who is also the natural owner of the 8th house; you can imagine then that this will feel like a beneficial period of transformation as it’s my personal ruler’s period of time.
Mars in 8th-from-Moon brings power to transformation, Mars is so very happy in this angle, the energetic vitality is poised to receive transformation and shock. Mars, the warrior, prepared to fight, to go into the fires of transformation, rebirth, renewal, change, his most comfortable placement.
(Mars is also the symbol of men, and so naturally during this period I received violent [Mars] abusive [in Virgo] emails from my former teacher and intimate partner [12th-from-Jupiter in Libra] falsely accusing me of cheating on him. So while Mars brought aggression from a male, it also was my power to defend myself from the abuser.)
There, with Saturn. Fearful, discerning, slow, disciplined Saturn. But Saturn has matured, and with Mars’ energy and encouragement, they partner to combat my enemies (Virgo), bring healing (Virgo), through transformation (8th-from-Moon), to my Self (1st house owner). Saturn’s gift is to finally see and accept transformation for the benefit of my self, through the loss (12th-from angle) of belief in husbandry and doctrine (Jupiter: the significator of gurus, teachers, and husbands, and ruler of my 7th house of marriages and agreements, in the 9th-from-Moon angle of doctrines and philosophies).
Say what now? To summarize: this period of time is bringing an awakening of self-love and self-worth (my true work and the hardest work I have, given my history of co-dependency and crippling self-esteem) by separating myself from the opinions of others through a metaphoric dying of my old self and a rebirth of a loving-self led by these two powerful deities, Mars and Saturn, who are aspects of my being. I am coming to my rescue.
Sure, I wish that this arrogant Martian man (who foolishly and blindly called himself a “guru”, a “brahmin”, and a “king”) didn’t exist in this world, as I know it. I wish I listened to myself instead of bowing to the pressure I perceived from others, the guilt I felt at being a female student and friend and not returning the attention through sexual favour when he started crying because of my declaration that I was not interested in a sexual relationship. I wish he and all the arrogant chauvinistic males in the world didn’t exist in that way. But, like many other moments in our lives that aren’t perfect (and especially for me with all of my mighty Virgo and 6/8 angles bringing many obstacles, service, and enemies), we forgive ourselves for our errors, we forgive others for theirs, and we do our life’s purpose while helping as many people as we can.
Mercury wants to write about it
As I leave this Mercury-Jupiter-Mars-Saturn week of subtle inner healing, I enter my Mercury-Jupiter-Mars-Mercury dasha period.
- For more information on the dashas, I recommend checking out this page by my brilliant teacher Barbara Pijan.
So I am still within Mars’ healing and transformative placement, but now also with communicative, studious writer Mercury, who wants to write about it for the masses.
- My Mercury [writer, intellectual] is in Aquarius [electricity, internet, futurism] in the 11th house [community, masses, networks], and is conjunct Moon [emotion and feeling], and rules Virgo where Mars and Saturn are – so this is naturally what I need to write about!
My esteemed teacher the brilliant Barbara Pijan Lama, Jyotishavidya, studied my charts briefly for me and noted saw the strength of my birth’s commitment to and destiny for communication about trauma, obstacles, healing, service, to the masses for the benefit of a large community. It is my hope that by sincerely writing about trauma, recovery, astrology, psychology, feminism, and yoga philosophy, teaching and practice, that I will truly help other women, womx/yn, young girls, and any other being who struggles with similar experiences or feelings. It would of course be wonderful if by doing so I also reach an impact for the type of men I seem to attract, who ultimately are the ones who most desperately require these lessons. The thing is that I would not have the strength to be their educator, that is their work. But throughout this project they may encounter a softening to their egos that allows for an other’s experience to exist without threatening their own worth or existence.
I write most of this in scribbles in my journal as I sit under a sea of stars, by the Caribbean Sea, with the warm breeze kissing me. As I contemplate on the divine, and the meaning of this period of my life, I see this warm breeze as myself extending love to myself. Warmth to Saturn, warmth by Saturn. The coldest parts of myself, lovingly, slowly, dying, with the guiding warrior Mars at home in 8th to lead the way. Woman’s healing of male aggression. Praise be.
Remembering the New Self
The trick of course is to allow this to truly transform us, these periods of reflection and dying-of-the-old-self, and not let ourselves forget. We are always us and yet we are never the same. Every moment in our lives changes us to a degree. I will be yet again even more intolerant of any signs of unacceptable behaviour from men, and will learn to trust my intuition and my personal power even more.
The world’s men have a lot of work ahead of them in learning how to be, how to unlearn their stereotypes and projections and self-contained boxes they assign everyone to. “You keep stealing my power!” he exclaimed to me, not realizing the basic lesson that everyone has unlimited power and nobody takes it, it is only given. By simply speaking my opinions and exercising my boundaries as a woman, that was perceived as a threat by this old fashioned man with many lessons to learn. Alas, it is no longer my work.
The transformation comes, we feel and perhaps process it if we are aware of the change, and then we are changed. We do not return to a state before that transformation, and there will be continued transformations to come. I take with me the blissful incredible feeling of my Mercury-Jupiter-Mars period of transformation with me, even in its hurtful moments, because there is no other choice!
Life happens to us, and we are here to experience it. We go through each chapter of our lives, whether that chapter is a month, a year, or 17 years, and we come out of it changed. Our fundamental being does not change, but its awareness of itself and the world in which it inhabits does.
The eyes of the gods looking upon us, bringing us their generous and diverse gifts, are reflections of us.
