ME-SA-ME-RA during Sade Sati
Mercury-Saturn-Mercury-Rahu
2021
feb 9th: had a dream that i started teaching again after over a year of ptsd. the class seemed to go well but then i realized i was laying in bed not knowing how i finished the class or how i got home. the receptionist was somehow laying beside me and i told her that i completely have no memory at all of the rest of the class. she told me that someone had emailed the receptionist to say that it was as if i was shrouded by a shadow, a veil. as if i was just pitch black darkness, no consciousness, no breath. (later would have a flashback in a few days to being anaesthetized while my body was broken into in horrific ways.)
Incredibly bad sun burn, nearly 2nd degree, on my face, from stupidly not wearing sun screen on Sunday when I was at the beach for like two hours. dumb idiot.
Rahu immediately brought people and society.
the depression lingers.
fatalistic solitude.
a product of the planetary realities at birth with timeline.
i want to be free of that, free of this reality.
but wherever you run to you cannot run faster than fate, it’s already written.
“In some instances the dungeon is the safest place.”
“I can feel my putrid flesh. Why were we born into these gross forms when we were divine entities in the stars.”
To help someone we have to dig deeper than our own feet.
Drugs bring out demons (Shukracharaya) to the underworld of death, shock, trauma, catastrophe. We call those demons mental illness, when really they’re the spectre of unprocessed or unforgiv-able/en trauma.
Which are loaded words.
⁃ unprocessed: “you haven’t done the work” judgemental bullshit
⁃ unforgivable: 1) hindu: you’re forgiven once you’ve lived through the trauma because then that’s karma balanced -> onus somewhat on the person + no control over the vengeful universe. 2) christ figure: took all of our sins in one massive karma purge (imagine the 6th house and sade sati for christ’s final years. undoubtedly the start of a powerful saturn mahadasha after 17 years studying tantra and vedanta abroad in Jupiter mahadasha 9th/12th house), and/or, introduced smaller layers of forgiveness into our individual lives.
to wish a different incarnation, a different you, is a death (8th house transition, change, requires a death)
“how to come back from totally giving up”
“how to get your life back after ruining it”
where do you go when there is no place on earth that offers what you are looking for? (“within you” + barf emoji)
“Helping someone cope with pain requires glimpsing, through imagination alone, the invisible interior of another person’s body—and then accepting that imagined suffering as real and true.” https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2021/02/alzheimers-dementia-pain-memory/617994/
why is everyone afraid of a demon
the demons need help
rahu the outcast,
never satisfied,
he wants
but only suffers.
and the priests
who thought they knew better
said therefore
the cause of torment
is desire
for belonging
thereby alienating
part of us, all
from a sense of
goodness.
seeing the story i’m writing with some better vision now, i see these characters and long for it. it’s such a self-study through fiction.
no one is responsible for nor can save you from your loneliness, which is the most fucked up thing because loneliness therefore is not curable — nothing can end the loneliness not even another person
we are lonely gods
“I don’t belong, I see my past everywhere
Don’t stand too close to me, eternal PTSD
I got a warzone inside of my head”
(juice wrld)
imagine time-jumping incarnations,
ducking out before the start
of a mid life sade sati + shani dasha
like peace im gonna skip this section
google-walked around hamburg
imagining stuart and john
and their film cameras
and instruments
and first loves
am thinking this is a depressed af home
and that i miss my victoria place
because of the energy i cultivated there
because i’m sinking like a stone here
but maybe it’s not the place
maybe it’s just us
and if i were to suggest moving
that would be a herculean task
and stupid in a kalsharp
when the real thing to do
is to help ourselves with our real problems,
which is taking care of ourselves.
dammit i hate when i lose
the good poems
fear
look into it
sex is therapeutic actually
an extension of any body session
massage or trigger release or drainage
outer to inner
deep healing
energetic release
typical eighth house stuff
much of the world will be cured
when we stop saying that the answer
to your debilitating depression and ptsd
is to stop being lazy and a victim
and when we learn to respect silence
and the places in our connective tissue
where our traumatic memory is stored
which causes aging and depression
and here i was a fool
thinking i’d be able to come back here
and be who i was four years ago
seven years ago
thirty years
wouldn’t have expected half of the above would have come through in a rahu-saturn 4/5 period.
what makes you feel alive
what is it that made you feel alive recently
was it a song, or a piece of good cinema
was it something fleetingly external
or perpetually internal
was it something that let you escape
or something that brought you back down
was it tactile and you felt it physically
or something cerebral and beyond
surround yourself with that
I linger in the dark
Can’t escape fate
Telling stories of all that harmed me
Turn them into songs
That fascinate
2/20/21 hidden beach
to rebuild self-confidence after abuse is a radical act
2/21/21
it’s so apparent
that i am surrounded by enemies
literally everyone,
every one,
every neighbour,
every associate,
every thing,
the dogs,
the roads,
the money,
the jobs,
the friends,
the peers,
the physical body,
the traumatized mind,
and all you can do is study and watch it,
all this sade sati
and saturn dasha in 6th house bullshit,
see it all happen,
with awareness and curiosity,
like a detective,
watching the patterns and movements
of these enemies
to help yourself stay alive
and take it less personally,
and then to find contentment
with the constant threat
of total annihilation and humiliation,
and all you do is duck —
duck, duck, keep ducking,
lower, lower,
smaller,
quieter,
nothinger,
but at some point
the universe will call “goose”
and it will all topple over
and you’ll get eaten,
unless you can find a way
to surf the edge
of each tidal wave
of the cosmic ocean.
but your back breaks
from all the punches
the traumatic memories
from however many lifetimes ago
the god wounds
that linger
and you die
and you die
and you die
solution to having enemies:
communication and community
but without attack
or else it’s just an enemy
so no solution
a pearlescent nectar
made its way up from my heart
to my throat
and to the top
of my pointed shoulder
one thing i like to remind myself
when im feeling envious
is that there is a lot of room in the world
for everyone to be successful,
to pursue what makes them happy,
without limiting your own.
my tcm doctor was right,
the cure is to heal your heart.
all the fiery hot angry attacked broken
fasciae and soft tissue,
that takes breath and energy,
mind and study,
scars and crises,
it moves with
sometimes i imagine laughing after saying something
while walking down the street
like i used to do with steph
or laura
unspoken understandings
I found a place where nobody can find me
Where nobody goes
a city on the horizon,
a passing ship
“but that’s not peace and love just forgive man”
one inch punch
setting boundaries
like a jaguar 🐆 clawing
“but we’re better than an animal”
obi-wan not yoda voice: much to learn
this is brought to you by weed and dissociation
twice that one thought has disappeared from me
which one is it
i hope it comes back
there were men at the beach the other day
i think not yesterday but maybe the day before
but i can’t recall
and i felt like a fucking monster gremlin
a banshee
a ghoul
the void
who couldn’t smile back
who had to look away
muttering to herself
in crushing panic
afraid of everyone
knowing they will want to destroy me
eventually
what is this fucking electric high
this buzzing chainsaw nightmare
this sparkling surf
this anxiety
this fluttering heart
these quivering muscles
these powerless joints
and torn tissues
and twisted spine
and lazered insides
and concussed head
and emotional catastrophes
of memories
and losses,
a poor girl
pens odes
sings of the twists and turns
driven time and again off course
fated to suffer
and love
and hate,
who is out in the cold
and in the dark.
this buzzing electric nightmare
is the sound of my amp turned on
and my tuner off
but not playing anything.
it’s sex with ghosts and demons,
but only the aquarian or leo kind.
that is the grace aspect
when the me-sa-me-ra-sa period
and the following me-sa-me-ra-me period
should have been extremely heavy
and i’d say they were my rock bottom
(hmm)
and that mercurial-kumbha tried to detach
and curiously study the events
it was through prayer
and faith
that the sun
surya
aum grini vishnavaditya
the father
my literal dad
lost to the lifetime of hidden 12th + piscean
responded
listened
and ignited self-belief,
reaching out his hand
like the archetypal father
our saviour
you can “see” ketu
kind of
by noticing the absence
either in reality
or psycho-spiritual
subtle electric waves
of expectation
and experience on
subtle levels
like my brother steven
an aquarian, is my ketu-11th-from-moon
and the elder sibling of my elder sibling
(ketu in the 9th house)
and we never speak
and i don’t know him
i can see how a KSY could be beneficial in a natal chart
i like ‘natal chart’ the best
it’s like sailing the seas of space
and consciousness
23rd
at the beach yesterday (22nd) i used the lounger,
and at one point i looked back
over my shoulder
at the spot on the sand i used to sit in
wondering if it was better
because i felt afraid and exposed
but when i looked back i realized
that the sand was sandier
and it left my towel a mess
and it wasn’t as shady,
i had extended my boundary again
moving a little more forward
and i laughed
thinking how meta
to know you’re looking at the past
as you’re living in the future
weed is good actually
because it helps me feel at peace
helps my nervous system chill out
i just have to help my mind
feel like it’s not about to be attacked
and get out all of the voices
of my old attackers
24
the colour of the sea changes
with the angle of the sun —
in the morning, blue,
afternoon, silver
25
definitely a red day
email from mom traumatized me again
or triggered
somewhere in between
the fears
26
did some responsibilities this morning that i had put off
during the kal sharp yoga
like emails
can’t bring myself to go to the driving place
because i don’t have faith i will pass
and because i am afraid of any more punishment energy
(even though clearly saturn will give me that anyway)
and because i don’t think i have all the pieces in place.
thinking about writing to peter.
realizing governments don’t care about your trauma response.
//*{cw: dead dove, seriously dead dove do not eat}
the storyline goes like this:
young person becomes aware of parents’ treatment of them via seeing other people’s experiences —> gets angry at parents for the ways in which they have been harmed, neglected, or invalidated —> spends early 20s separated from them as they find their autonomy
—> befriends them in late 20s, everyone smiles —> sees the parents continue to project, harm, etc throughout 30s —> detaches from blame through boundaries and therapy, severing the toxic bond through non-engagement —> parents die —> you die
*//
//*me: *stands in the darkness, amidst the shroud of time, the veil of nothing, broken and beaten*
them: wtf’s wrong with you just don’t let ppl bother you, learn to be grateful, you choose your reality, choose to be happy, you’re being low vibrational, it’s not as bad as you’re making it, actually it’s your fault
*//
rahu has done very well at bringing in beautiful artful complaints
through writing, media, messages, guitar, song, and story
this incarnation,
it vibrates
our soul incarnates,
is found in maya
and the places dripping
with divine nectar
our soul incarnates
is found in maya
and elsewhere too
has addictions and many enemies and painful incarnation
“well you brought it on yourself through karma”
me: oookkkaaaaaayyy?????? aaaand? we are all one therefore you have too??????
thoughts
within thoughts
a mind meanders
//*
the years have revealed:
life is lived in stages —
it begins with the morning,
when the first flames flicker
the years have revealed
life is lived in stages
first the morning
*//
